What Gets in the Way of Effective Communication?

There are various barriers that can get in the way of effective communication with those we care about, (e.g., partners, friends, children, parents), which can then worsen our relationships. The following are some common barriers in productive communication with others.  

• Not listening to the other person. Active listening is a skill that takes a lot of practice. Have you ever experienced a conversation where your mind starts wandering or you are planning your rebuttal as the other person is speaking? When this happens, you are missing on what the other person is trying to communicate with you, increasing the likelihood of misinterpretation. Further, if you are planning a rebuttal, you are not in the conversation to communicate; you are in the conversation to win, and those conversations are rarely, if ever, productive.

• Getting defensive about what the other person is saying. This typically happens when you feel that you are being “attacked.” It is important in these moments to reflect back on what you are hearing to make sure it is accurate, but then to also monitor how you feel about what was said. When we feel attacked, there is a tendency to feel that we need to defend ourselves or go on the offensive; this will likely just make the situation worse. If you notice that tempers are high on either front, it may be time to walk away so you can give yourselves a chance to cool down and process what was said to avoid saying or doing something you will later regret. You can always come back to the conversation when you are feeling calmer and more able to effectively communicate.

• Not being clear in what we are communicating. Vagueness can interfere with our communication. For example, if you tell a child “don’t do that!” without being explicit about what you do not want them to do, they may not know what your expectation is. Even when you feel you are supposedly clearer, such as when saying something like, “don’t give me attitude,” it may not be necessarily obvious to the person you are speaking to. Words like “attitude” could mean different things to different people and so they may continue engaging in a way that results in frustration on your end without even realizing that they are doing so. 

• Assuming the other person knows what we are communicating to them. This is connected to the lack of clear communication. You do not want to make assumptions that just because you said something, it was interpreted the way you meant for it to be interpreted. Sometimes words get lost in translation or meanings of words vary between you and the person with whom you are communicating. It is important that you double check that what you meant to convey was conveyed. Sometimes whole arguments can happen, and it is not until the end that you realize that the other person had misinterpreted what was said, and realizing sooner could have prevented the entire situation.  

• Assuming the other person knows what we are feeling. Just because you feel you may be conveying how you feel through your tone or body language, it does not mean that it is being interpreted as such. In these moments, clear communication about what you are feeling through phrases like “I feel xyz because abc” can be helpful. It is important that it is phrased as “I feel” rather than “You made me feel” because it lessens the likelihood that the other person will feel attacked and it does not put sole responsibility of your feelings on the other person, enhancing effective communication.

Note that all these barriers involve your role in communication rather than the other person’s. This is because we can control how we interpret situations and what we say in situations – we cannot control what others say or take from conversations. It is not useful to focus on things that are outside our control when we are trying to make change or improve circumstances, so examine your role in communication successes and failures to determine how you can enhance your communication and relationships.

Photo by Nicole Wreyford on Unsplash

Written by Justina Yohannan, PhD