The Dangers of “Should”
“A mother should know exactly what her child needs.”
“A husband should be able to provide for his family.”
“I should not be acting like this.”
“I should be able to just get over it.”
Frequently in sessions, and for those not even in therapy, “should” statements are a common occurrence. More often than not, these statements result in stress, anxiety, and unrealistic expectations for ourselves and what we believe we should be able to do. When we do not rise to the occasion and meet these expectations, the guilt and distress that follow can be debilitating. Another pitfall is when others’ beliefs and behaviors do not align with our “shoulds.” When we project onto others and they fail to meet our “should” expectations (e.g., “My significant other should know how I am feeling”), we make assumptions about others’ beliefs and thoughts, and this can also result in frustration and behaviors (e.g., arguing, fighting) that can negatively impact relationships.
“Should” statements fall into a category of thinking called cognitive distortions (sometimes called thinking errors); cognitive distortions are thoughts that we have that can influence our emotions and behaviors. Everyone experiences cognitive distortions to some degree. For example, someone might think “I should study for this test” when dealing with a healthy degree of anxiety that is not tied to who they are as a person, and this will result in engaging in behaviors that help to pass the test. However, if we take our cognitive distortions to extremes, it can result in harm; for example, if someone thinks “I should study for this test” because of a belief that if they do not pass, they are a bad or stupid person, it may result in high levels of anxiety that cause distress and actually make studying more difficult.
Where these “should” statements come from varies by person. Frequently, these expectations come from what society says we “should” be doing. Sometimes these expectations are reasonable (such as not purposely harming others), and sometimes these expectations are not. Other times, these expectations come from family/friends and messages we heard growing up. These messages we hear, wherever the source, are then internalized and it can be hard to break these patterns of “should,” especially after a lifetime of hearing and believing it.
How do you manage these “should” thoughts and determine their legitimacy, you ask? Here are some questions to ask yourself if you notice you are falling into the “should” trap:
- Whose voice is it saying what you “should” and “should not” be able to do?
- Is this “should” benefiting you or is it causing you harm/distress?
- Do you hold these standards for everyone or is it just for you?
- If your loved one said this about themselves, how would you feel/think about it?
- Are these expectations of “should” realistic?
- What is the worst that is going to happen if you do not conform to the “should” and how realistic is it that worst thing will happen?
Written by Justina Yohannan, PhD